Making feedback work, part 2: Accept it and ask for it
When someone gives you feedback, positive or negative, hamburger or MORI, this is what to do:
Say “Thank you.”
You don’t have to say more. Unless they ask you a MORI™ question, of course, but you should still start with “thank you.” You don’t have to deflect (“No, it was nothing”) or reciprocate (“You were great, too).
Just take it in.*
If it is feedback that is hard to hear, say “Thank you.” Use the moment of those two words, and the space between them, to take a breath. With that breath, acknowledge any reaction you may be having in your body. Recognize that, however well or poorly it was delivered, the person who gave you the feedback was brave to tell you.
If the feedback feels like garbage to you, say “Thank you.” Take a breath and let it go. If the person wants to provoke you, don’t be provoked. Recognize that it is just their perspective (see part 3, reframing feedback). At the same time, there may be a grain of truth in it, so consider whether or not there is something you could learn, even from what looks like garbage.
If it is positive feedback, say “Thank you.” Take a breath. Take it in. Accept it. Life is hard enough, and if we have made a positive impact on another person, even if it was unintended or instinctive or not as good as we thought it could be, we should celebrate that.
Helpful add-ons
Make them feel heard. The next best thing you can do when receiving feedback is to actively listen to it: Put your own reactions aside, hear what they have to say, and repeat back what you heard them say in their words, without interpreting it. This act requires a lot of rational brain work – which is another way to stay calm. It may feel stupid to repeat their words, but they usually are so busy feeling heard that they don’t notice how artificial this is. It really works!
In addition, it defuses any emotion or anxiety the giver might have by allowing them to feel like they have been heard. (Hint: If you find that someone is repeating the feedback over and over, it means they don’t feel heard, so definitely use this technique at that point.)
Ask clarifying questions. This is another cognitive technique that can make the process of receiving feedback easier. To do it, once again, you have to validate that you’ve heard the giver. For example, “Are you saying that when I <did this> you felt <this>?” … “And you wish I’d <done this>?”
Offer next steps. If you truly feel that you want to move forward in a new way, you can offer to do so. However, it is perfectly fine, if not often appreciated, to say, “I am going to spend some time thinking this over.”
Asking for feedback is the strongest approach
For yourself and for the health of organizations, the best way to receive feedback is to ask for it before it is offered. This lets your prefrontal cortex, your rational brain, take the lead. You’ll be able to hear it and take it in.
It also positions you as a facilitator of cultural change. As companies focus on developing “feedback-friendly” cultures, they often focus on the process of gathering feedback. But creating a culture where feedback is safe is more effective if it begins with a culture of asking for it first. Welcoming feedback as a habit begins with asking for it.
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*If the feedback is biased, racist, sexist, or offensive in any way, you do not have to accept it, and you certainly don’t have to accept it with gratitude. In this piece I am talking about relevant performance feedback. Solving individual or institutional bias is an extremely important topic not addressed in this context.